Good afternoon, dearest reader. As most of you know, AP exam scores were released just recently. Now some of you may not have checked your scores yet, either due to crippling self-esteem issues that prevent you from checking, or because you just didn’t remember (or care enough) to check. If that’s the case, this post isn’t directed towards you. Instead, today I will be delving into the fanatical subculture of people who just can’t wait to see their AP exam scores! Seriously guys, it’s almost like a cult.
Just to clarify, AP exams are graded on a 1- 5 whole number scale (5, 4, 3, 2, 1),* and for those who are obsessed with their grades, anything below a 5 is failing. CollegeBoard selectively releases the scores in different regions of the United States over several days to prevent their website from crashing when a horde of insatiable youngsters all want to check their AP exam scores. This works well enough, considering the website doesn’t crash every year, but it does force some of the more determined (and obsessive) students to be a bit more resourceful and creative to check their AP scores early.
Perhaps, sometime last week, someone sent you a link or a download to something that would let you view your scores early. The people who use these programs are willing to link their computers to a virtual network based in a different state entirely, simply to see their scores a couple of days before everyone else. As if you wanted to know how badly you failed just that much earlier. These fanatics (I will now refer to them as Imps, or Impatient Nerds) felt so compelled to view the same score, just a few days early, as if checking their grade earlier would somehow increase the score. Unfortunately, this is not the case, as many of those fanatics discovered last week. But at least they saw their grade before you, right?
What drives this need to discover our grade early, even if we know we bombed harder that the Tsar Bomba? It’s a drive similar to that of ancient peoples, driven to discover new lands, and explore new riches**. But not really. Honestly, if you’re strung up enough to chase an ethereal grade between 1-5 a day early, you need to reevaluate your priorities. The Apocalypse isn’t around the corner, and the grade is the same either way, so disenfranchise yourself from the cult of Imps, and get some fresh air.
In defense of these Imps, AP tests are kinda-sorta-somewhat important. They cost ninety dollars, can save you money in college, and look pretty sweet on college apps (and on Tinder ; ) ). Rarely would you see someone not care about their grade, and likely you spent a month or so before the test cramming every page of your Baron’s or Princeton’s book into your cranium because you had Mrs. Malaprop or a similarly disastrous teacher who didn’t teach you anything. Maybe you’re saying to yourself, “So yeah, Mr. Qyza the Jester, I will check my grade early.” Again, you’ve waited two months, just have a few more days of peace before you see your failing grade, Imp. Check yourself.
Signing off- Qyza ♣
**Omitted here is the part where they conquered and destroyed other peoples to do so